in an adventure that I am arranging,
and it is very difficult to find anyone.”
Awareness with out judgment.
Sometimes the best way to remain sane, Caroline, is to love like crazy.
I am screaming. I am on the ground and I am screaming and I am biting my hand to muffle the sound and my shoulders are curled and the floor is sticky. I dial the number one more time. The psychiatrist answers. His voice sounds far away. Mine sounds further. Please help me. Please help me. Please.
There is fear, and then there is this. This is a feeling they haven’t named yet. This is every time I was ever afraid or hurt or sad swallowed and exploding inside of me. I do not have the ability to put words to it, nor do I even think to. I do not want to die, but something inside me does.
I am screaming. Color and noise and lights move with me as I travel across the ground that has slowly begun to hold memories I don’t want to let go of. I am screaming and laughing and we are running and there is music and there are hands in mine and I am being lifted. We are tumbling and there is joy and there is relief and we are together. I am not alone.
When it rains, I sit at my window and trace the drops through the glass with my pinky finger. That night, I write the words, Things to be thankful for today: 1) It is raining, 2) I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here.
I am light. I am water. I am here.